Yeah I know shocker right?
Lets begin by my mother and I having to move a mattress OLDER THAN ME, out of my bedroom and into the guest room so that I can go to to ex boyfriends to gather a uhaul of my nice pretty things and FINALLY put them in the room and stop sleeping on the couch like I'm a college student. Or a bad friend who can't work because I have nail polish and toilet paper eating addiction.
We started last night cleaning out MY bedroom, since I've been gone 12 years and returned with nothing but heaping pile of clothes and dishes because what eles really matters in this world? My pretty furniuture I put at my ex's house to hide from my ex-monster-husband and besides he was in luuuuuvvvvvvvvvv like the others. So fine. I'll live there. I'll be closer to downtown and get some swanky job. Well that crap was for the birds, literally. I mean you can be the nicest person on earth but if you can't support yourself after ALL THESE YEARS, then maybe I need to be moving along. The swanky job was for the birds too. BEWARE: Your hair stylist that charges you out the wah-hoo for that haircut, just shot heroin in their veins with a needle that had been passed around ten times. (AND NOT ME EVERRRRR !!!!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!)
My mother turns to me and says "Now tomorrow I don't want their to be any confrontation. I just think that would turn out horrible and then the cops would have to show up."
Me: "Muuutttthhhhhhheeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr you know he's being calm and he's no confrontational. He's been nice about this whole thing since the huge fight last week."
My mother: "I wasn't talking about confrontation from him Chick........................."
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Meeeeeeeeeeee ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I'll skip boring details of how I've been broken up with this person since LAST SEPTEMEBER and last week thought I'd be nice and go bowling as FRIENDS. HA! (snort through my nose) (no guy can ever just think he's my friend) He sees me talking to a man older than my own parents and gets mad and LEAVES ME at the bowling alley. Like no car, no way home, just gets jealous and leaves.
But what I will tell you the funny things I did say while I was being very nice and cordial while packing up my stuff today.
Me: Oh. You're home. We could have done this without you. Thank you so much. I do appreciate it. I hope the dresser gets dropped on your foot so you can't drive and leave people pleaces. No wonder you're not married.
Him: "Ha Ha Ha I know this is funny but here's some tampons..... I mean its not like iiiiiiiiiii am going to us them! ha ha!"
Me: "You sure could have last Friday night."
Him: "See y'all later! Be careful! Keep in touch! Don't over do it! Talk you later!!!! Seeeee youuuuu latttterrrrrrrr"
Me: "Noooooooo YOU PROBABLY WON'T!!!!!"
Him: "Let me know y'all make it all right!"
Me: "Im going 25 miles. You care? You didn't care last Friday when you LEFT ME at the bowling alley cuz you're so bat poop crazy you get jealous of an older man who was doing NOTHING. You only want to know if you're packing of the UHaul turned out well. You don't care about me."
Besides I can't let you know if I make it home okay because I've already deleted your number.
Later when the UHaul has to go to my mom's apartment to simply drop off a table she realizes she left dead bolt is locked and she needs her garage door opener. FIIIIIIIINE. I can see her car RIGHT THERE, at the Uhaul place. Turns out a person cannot stand and open a gate. It takes a car. So in my wokout clothes I decide its either over or under the fence. So I went under. After face planting into wildflowers I was playing G.I. Jane till my J-Lo booty got stuck. The metal black fence posts had my pants down around my ankles and my neon bloomers showing to everyone in the city INCLUDING the kids on the playground at my old elementary.
I used to go to that school, and my now best friend hated me in kindergarten. Had the nerve to come up with me one day while I hung upside down on the monkey bars in a dress and say "YOU KNOW CHICK- everyone can see your underwear!!"
My quick response was "So?!?! They are clothes aren't they?!" and thats been the joke for 26 years. So laying on the ground.... a football field or two away from the playground, what could I say while hanging by my pants, but "So whole town out driving on your lunch break. They're CLOTHES AREN'T THEY?!"
Its a really good thing I never get embarrassed.