I find myself back in my home that I grew up in. I am in my third decade of life, (mind you the beginning of it) and I am here because I have seen a lot of this world, experienced many things, met a lot of people, had a blast, and had one wretched, horrible, ghastly night where I threw a twelve foot lit and decorated Christmas tree.
We won't focus on how I got back home, but this, "A Thousand Miles From Nowhere" as Dwight Yokam sang, is exactly where I longed to be. When I tell you I'm a thousand miles from nowhere, thats exactly what I mean, both figuratively and literally. A thousand miles from my home did I roam. A thousand miles from where I had ANYTHING good going for me.
It took one last fight, where this time the anger in me equaled a nuclear bomb. After more stupidity for a couple of months (of course not on my part) I was officially free. My own car was sold for the good money it earned me, and I had all of my belongings packed into a stupid little (albeit new) car that I'd been making the payments on anyway. I call it stupid and little, which it is, because, well, someone stupid drove it and its little. But it was new and gets good gas mileage. And it got me home. All of my belongings that would fit and my best friend, my dog.
Relationships begin with this fluttering feeling. You like someone. I remember these things as I type from the room I started sleeping in when we moved in when I was six. Ooooh you like a boy. Then you get older and hope the boy looks at you in the hallway, or better yet talks to you. That turns into nights of lazy summer time where you can stay up as late as you want, because you're too young to drive and have a job. You wait for the phone to ring, and thank goodness for call waiting, so you can talk to your best friend while you wait for the boy to call. What some of you never got to experience was life before caller i.d., boy was that fun! Call any guy you wanted and say anything you wanted and no one knew who you were. HeeHee! This was also when we wrote notes and had a friend pass them to a friend to get to you in school. I just thought I was cool because I had a pager in 7th grade. I learned later in life others thought I was cool too. (HA! Take that stupid bully girl who was mean to me and is now miserable in life)
Oh yeah, back to the relationship thing. Fluttering. Will he call? Oh dear lord please let him call! You stay up all night with the phone so close to you, and if you're lucky enough that it does ring, guess what?? You let it ring two and a half, but not three, times before you answer. You sound non-chalant, but finally the two of you start talking and POOF you're in a relationship in a while.
This ebb and flow my dears continues probably until we get married. I can say this because I am still watching some of my never-before-hitched friends go through it.
But marriage. Well for a lot of people you can tell its going to be great. The happy engagement party someone else throws is an excellent sign that people love the fact the two of your have chosen to be together. I didn't have one of those. The wedding, well the whole planning of that should be glorious, yes a little stressful because 200 people are dying to come and you want a fairy tale. I didn't have that either.
I had people tell me things like "What? You got engaged? Oh." and "Congratulations! That is wonderful! I love that tiny diamond chip you're wearing that he held on to for 4 years because you fought so much he wouldn't give it to you!" and the best "OH MY GOD. You're pregnant. You DO NOT have to get married because you're pregnant!!!" (which is 100% true girls)
However I wasn't pregnant. I was stupid.
So here I am, a thousand miles from no where. The tales of my good times I assure you will follow, but I wanted to touch on the whole relationship thing. Now after an abusive marriage relationships (for me at least) have gone more along the lines of "No guys at the gas station I will not give you my number. Yes I am a Cop AND in the Army" (I can't help it if they thought that. I have handcuffs hanging from my rearview mirror that my daddy gave me and my ex's son was in the army, hence the army emblems all over the car) It got me out of a situation of pestering though. Then there's the guys who pop up who are ex boyfriends or wanted to be, "You're the only girl I ever loved!!!" (Cheech did a song on an album about this one) (Yes, the Cheech from Cheech and Chong) Then that ex boyfriend bugs you for months and you push him away and he then finds some poor girl to date and posts pictures so ugly on his facebook you wish you could hurl but you're laughing too hard.
Then come the sweet and true guys.The ones you don't think are left. The ones who have had their own relationships. Maybe have a kid or two. Maybe they're divorced or maybe haven't found "the one" to marry yet. The guys who you grew up with or the guy thats friends with your closest friends so you know they're "safe."
You still wait for the phone to ring girls. You still answer on ring two and half. In this day and age you wait at least two minutes before responding to a text. You still get angry if he hasn't said the right thing, but its more self loathing towards yourself than anger at the guy. But now you read books or watch movies about women who hit adulthood and have never been married and you're happy you don't feel that way. You've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AND PISSED ON IT.
You're happy with a relationship in your life, and may be praying that its the one, the one where you finally found someone to grow old with. But you're also glad you're not being cussed at every day, amongst other things. You may have found the perfect partner but prior to that life wanted you to take a trip and have some experiences, or you wouldn't be who you were meant to be.
I must go now. I got a text message with a tone that is set for one person and its been more than two minutes. ;)