Get ready for your family and friend to think you're AMAZING!! These appetizers will now be the thing you make and take everywhere or people won't let you in to their parties.
Trust me. So easy, and then people have no idea what's in them they just know THEY LIKE EM!!!

White Trash Puffs

2 cans ORIGINALl Crescent Rolls
8 oz pepperoni
12 oz cream cheese ( 1 1/2 blocks)
Italian seasoning
Garlic powder
Fresh ground pepper

Preheat oven to 350•

Okay, in a microwaveable bowl soften your cream cheese till its easy to stir.

Chop up pepperoni as fine as you can. I use my food processor.

Mix pepperoni into cream cheese. Dump in a tablespoon or two of Italian seasoning. Dash or 3 of garlic and some black pepper.

Now taste this divine mixture. Try not to eat it all cuz you have people to cook for here.

Take a crescent roll and cut it into thirds. Spoon filling onto each third and fold up in some cute way. It's OK if your filling isn't covered. They don't really leak. Over stuff Instead of under stuff people.

Bake on a cookie sheet. They usually don't stick unless on foil. Spray foil with cookig oil if using foil.

Bake about 12-15 minutes in the middle of the oven. You want them baked but don't burn the bottoms.

So all of this is EASY AS CAN BE.... And you have no idea how much people are going to love you.

I now request responses !!!! Pictures and feedback!!!!

>Glitter<
~Chick~

After a lovely evening of Chick and Dude time, I needed to head home, so my sweetie walked me out to my truck. I screamed profanities upon opening my door. There had been a Cricket trapped in there all day. For some reason, a long, and pitch black drive home, made the cricket seem like a poisonous two headed cricket. 
  Dude comes running at the sound of my *never ever happening* cussing. 

Doesn't it sound like the cricket is up under there?"

 (he looks up into the middle section of the truck than connects the dashboard radio section, by some sort of column, to the floor board of the truck)

 "The sound is coming from up there, but there just no way ya to get up there."

Well you CAN if you're a CRICKET!!!!

   Laughter ensues... we just love to laugh. We're the coolest people I know.

  I become very serious. 

  "How am I going to get home? Theres a CRICKET IN MY TRUCK!" 

  "Chick, calm down baby. It's just a little cricket. He's not going to hurt you." 




"Noooo! Really? He's only going to kill me when he gives me a heart attack, or I swerve off the side of the road!!!" 

 This time laughter ensues. From the dude. 

 I stare blankly as he is double over in hysterics. He's laughing so hard, his eyes are squeezed tight, and his face is hidden in his hands. Little does he know that as he is catching glimpses of my blank stares, which are making him laugh harder, I have been fighting back peeing in my pants.

 To save myself the trouble of driving home with a cricket AND wet jeans, I just started laughing. I had to, except it was extreme silenced, laughter. Shoulder shaking laughter, but Dude not noticing, since he's now rolling on the ground laughing harder than before. 

 When he finally stops to breathe, I say, "Look! Look at this!!" and point at my face. 

 Under the bright Texas stars, and shining orange glow from surrounding chemical plants, Dude sees a glimmer of a tear on my cheek. 

 Dude grabs me. Lovingly. Kisses my head. Pats me on the back.

"Baby! I am so so so so so so sorry!!!!! I was just kidding around! I didn't know I was upsetting you!!! I wasn't laughing because you said you might have a heart attack and swerve off the largest suspension bridge in America, Oh baby I am so so so so sorry!!!!!" 

 So just as he's feeling really bad, because he truly would never hurt me, not even by pulling a bandaid off if I asked, I let loose. Suddenly I have my head between my knees so I can breathe, because I am laughing so hard. 

 Mess with Chick. Even even if you are THE Dude of her life. See what you get. 




 *author note- Dude, if you read this don't worry that your coworkers and military dude friends will think anything less of you for being so sweet to me. They act the same ways to their chicks. 

What they may NOT do though is drink 5 ginormous beers at dinner, wait till in the dark car to undo their belt and unbutton their pants, cuz hey, who hasn't been that full before right? Then get home, jump out of the car and forget, and have the whole neighborhood catch you with your pants around your ankles. (they remember the undid their pants)

They definitely wouldn't understand how you stand for five minutes telling your 15 year old that you're wondering what the kid is still doing up, just to have your Chick pipe up and say "I dunno Dude. Maybe your kid is wondering why their Dad's belt in undone and pants are unzipped." 
                                                                        -Chick

This is the first time I have blogged from my iPhone. Hey why not? I've sent enough text messages in one month that would equal a novel longer than Gone With The Wind.
 Funny. I didn't even realize the correlation that would come up with what's on my mind and my favorite book. As I am reading Gone With The Wind I find the story, and it's characters, incredibly deeper, more insightful, and descriptive of the time they were living in, versus the movie.
 I have a lot of Scarlett O'Hara's attitude. I have been to the rock bottom of the deep pit. Nothing to show for myself except the great accomplishments from the past. Those accomplishments go on our "record" but sure don't lift you out of the pit. Scarlett found herself with nothing. Happy to find a turnip, and then HAD TO DRINK COFFEE MADE FROM ROOT VEGATABLES!!!!! Good Heavens! Where's the caffeine in THAT?!
 At least I do have coffee. Hang on. Getting a cup. I have an addiction. I can not hear, see, think, or breathe coffee and not jump up.   
Be right back.
Aahhh. That's better.

So at a time period in my previous life, I was much like Scarlett. We can analyze the part of the young pretty thing, with boys and men fawning, and begging for just a dance, or a hand in marriage later on.
What I'm talking about is the point where I was the strong, steel beam that kept an entire group of family and friends living. What I didn't see until the day I WOKE UP, was that most people were great. Then some people were two faced, liars, who cared about no one. Not even themselves. How could a hateful, spiteful person be happy with who they are. Being miserable doesn't allow much room for you to even truly care about you. You're too busy.
 For years I had the big nice house. I spent thousands of dollars a year hosting birthday parties, all holiday dinners, Sunday dinners, you name it.
I did this out of pure love. I do miss it now that I'm away, I loved them and those times. Mostly.
If I didn't use my home, that I told God was HIS, not mine, to gather my loved ones and feed, laugh, cry, shelter, play, pray, party and rest, then who would have done it? I don't know. I don't think so many people would have all been together and had great times. This is what I like to think.
Scarlett O'Hara was taught that land and home were the only things that were worth anything in the entire world. Sure she loved her family, and that Ashley, but after the Civil War, she almost killed herself working to pay taxes and keep her home, Tara, and her land.
People had left her life. People have left my life. For me that came with divorce and moving a thousand miles away. Numerous loved ones are still a huge part of my life. I am far away from most of them, but I pray they know I am theirs, as I always have been. I just don't have the big house and the gatherings any more. I had to flee, like Scarlett left her home to go to a big city.Never relinquishing her deep pride for her home.
 I am lucky enough to have two homes. So many people who love me that I cannot honestly count them. Part of that is being a hair stylist and knowing hundreds of people. It's having a large family, a fiancé with a wonderful family, and an enormous group of friends from the time I was barely walking to friends I've made today. I've lived, and I mean really, lived in two places. Now I am where my heart belongs. If I could gather up everyone and do it all over again, I'd work my fingers to the bone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, until they bled, to afford a mansion big enough for everyone to be near.
 Scarlett understands me. Home. Not a house. Not a building of stilts and siding where you happen to lay your head.
Home, where I can start my new life, married to my soul mate, raising children, having family and friends over constantly. Laughter and playing and lots of food.
 I don't want a house, that's flashy and showy. I want a home that's nice and cozy. Yes a large one would help, with all the guests and the visits. A home that is clean but lived in, where people will drink out of my crystal iced tea glasses and take naps on the couch while everyone else is playing a game. Bedrooms that are escapes, crisp clean bathrooms that feel like a spa. A home that people love to come to, because they feel the love that radiates from my family throughout my home.
 I've struggled with missing a home that I can entertain and cherish people in. It's been two years since I've had that. I have a secret to tell you though, a darker side.
 The walls of my previous home know the joy that constantly occurred. The bones of my home also know the fear. The anger. The fighting. The things people suspected but never saw. Glimpses of meanness were flecked throughout all of these good times, yet no one knew of the darkest secrets.
Hiding in the closet to cry. Being screamed at for fourteen hours straight. Begging to be beaten to blue and purple instead of being yelled at. Doors of my precious home slammed on my hand, one time to where I worked for two months with nerve damage and couldn't feel anything. Locks on doors easily picked, so there was no escaping. Barricades inside of rooms so lies and hateful words would try to be brainwashed into my mind. My home. Where I was constantly trapped. Phone taken away as to not call for help. Someone much larger in size than I, not allowing me to leave a room, to even walk outside. The soul of my previous home knows everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the terrifying.
 I mentioned the day I WOKE UP. Some people, don't wake up. They live a life of terrifying, depressing, anxiety ridden MISERY. Thank God mine only lasted five years.
 You can get out. I, like Scarlett, especially after reading so much more about her than a film can project, am stronger than most men. The issue of men versus women is illreverent here. It's your heart, soul and the intelligence in your brain. It's your guts. All of that can turn into your glory.
 No one told me, or the pretty young character that anything would be easy. No one said looks would get us far. Life wore us down, shook us around, broke our hearts, showed us death, let peoples true selves be known, and because of all of the good times we gained the incredible strength that some people don't know they are capable of having in them.
 We get through current stages in life. Next you're in a new world. If someone would have told me five years ago, or even six months ago, the path I'm on I'd have called them a fool.
 Me. A version of a modern day fictional, yet so real, Scarlett O'Hara is on a new journey. Rock bottom is hard. You're starting over. You thought your life had a plan, because you made a plan. Guess what? Life changes plans.
Now I feel as I've been pulled out of a rock bottom well, maybe glamorously in a bucket. I do know my prince charming was waiting there. I will never give any person total credit for whom I have become. Like Scarlett I have indeed worked, strived, prayed, screamed, "lied, cheated and stolen" to get where I am. You must know that it just so happens that I found a partner to go on this next journey with. Someone I know the heavens sent, so I can love and give him my all. He just gave me his "all" before I even wanted to think I was ready. This man has protected, loved, defended, laughed at every joke, and never stops lifting me up.
 Here I am, far from that home I mentioned. About to be married, family and friends abound. I'm in absolute true, heartfelt, spiritual love. All of these things I need. I love them. What's missing right now is a home.
"Hey God? Just like before, I promise to you, if you give me a home it will be all yours. Just like before, I will use it daily for whatever you show me to."
~Chick


  
     I must brag about my sweetheart. Yeah yeah yeah. Roll your eyes. 
I am sick. I have been sick for FIVE days now. Yesterday at work I could barely get up off our break room couch. Lucky for once I didn't have but one appointment. 
   MYYYYYYY fiance, while I went to work, (well hid at work) helped my mom move to a new apartment. MY FIANCE who doesn't know how goofy and funny my mom can be or how bossy either. Who's guy would do that? Yes I know he's madly in love but it took not a millisecond of a thought from him to be free for that day to help. 
 

 Secretly I'm hiding at work. So I don't have to help this time but a 100 foot couch OVER a two story banister while its lowered to the ground. Took my Uncle Jack until his 60's that he wasn't going to move MY GRANDMOTHER any more, ever, period! She was a gypsy, that pretty lady was. So guess who else is a gypsy. My grandmother's daughter. MY MOM. 
 

  So Im getting sicker and sicker and sicker. I went to Fiance's house for normal Sunday night hang out with the kids and each other family night. MY YOUNGEST soon to be stepdaughter made me homemade chicken noodle soup. I ate two bowl. This for me is a LOT. I think she put a lot of love into the pot and that's why it was so good. (I LOVE YOU MELISSA!!!!! whenever you do read this, and get a Facebook, maybe by time your 20. 8 years from now!!)!

  Meanwhile the crud I have is getting worse. Middle of summer still and I was bundled in my hoodie, pajamas and a blanket. I wasn't allowed to move. I watched Jimmy look at me with real despair in his pretty blue eyes. He wanted to fix me soooooo bad. Yes, I feel like HOLY HELL, but its a cold, and infection. I'm FINE.
 

Later on the sweet married couple and 3 year old neighbors came to visit a while. Modern day I Love Lucy it is over there. Doors unlocked. You best neighbors in and out. Happy. 
 Goofy. Funny stories. Good times.

  When my neck couldn't hold my head up any longer Jimmy tucked me in bed. I didn't want the light out. I didn't wanna be sick and alone in a DARK room. No tv or anything. I told him when HE came to bed he could turn the light out as long as he held me. 
  Well he comes to bed, checks on my lovingly. Its been too long without any medicine so he gave me the perfect measured cup of NyQuil. Then he let me sleep on him. 
           This morning I got up for TWO SECONDS for some tea. I come back and there he is, like I've see 20 times now. My pillow. In his clenches, soooooo tight that I have to spend 30 minutes convincing him to let go, and if he would he could hold the real me not my pillow. Besides I can't hold my neck up any more. My head weighs 702 lbs and if full of snot that I'm convinced is my brains leaking. (This TRULY did honestly happen to someone I know. I PROMISE YOU!  Yes. She died) 
 So I fall back asleep next to me sweetie. A little while later I'm woken up to sweet little forehead kisses, because with my ten layers of blankets and pajamas and hoodie I looked like the unibomber. 
 

  Anyone who knows me knows I take care of EVERYONE. I am the nurturer and caretaker of all living beings. (rotten, adorable kitten here and all)
 But this man had started coffee for me, then poured me a cup with MY amount of cream, and then cooked me breakfast. All still looking at me with the purest love, and this vibe that seeped out of him saying "I'll do anything. I'll take your cold away. I'll take your pain. I'll even give birth to our child in the future so you never are in pain again." 
 

  I never eat. Seriously. I just don't eat. No I'm not mentally blocked. I just don't eat, especially when I'm sick. But he must have put love into the breakfast like Melissa did the soup pot. I had three eggs, sausage, and four pieces of toast. We all watched a movie. I was with my PRECIOUS, little family. The family that I am MARRYING. Not just the GREAT MAN, but the family. 
 

  Yes, he gets my family too. He saw my moms true colors during the move yesterday when she said "Jimmy! Look I have a pear tree out my window!! What do you think those green things growing on there are?" Its okay. She's done worse
                        

                                                         SIGH.

Plus poor Step-Daughter, only 12 but taller than me, really though the people who played in a movie died, for the sake of a good movie, and left all their riches to their families.
                     




                                                        SIGH




My mother also used to think Forrest Gump was a true story. 
                     

                                                       

                                                       SIGH





Someone we know has a serious problem. (HE or SHE) takes DATES, as in the month and number, and thinks that holidays occur on THAT DATE EVERY YEAR. This year we're having Thanksgiving on a Monday.  There is no "Veterans, Labor, Memorial Day, Easter etc ALWAYS FALL ON THE SAME DAY OF THE WEEK! 

I'd be rolling my eyes right now but Im currently VERY sick, (did I mention that???) and if I rolled my eyes I'd loose them to this kitten who's taken up residence in my house. HES the one who sneaked in the car and then in my purse and crawled out when I got home. Dixie and my father and I just sighed. Looking for a home for him, but I'm afraid I found one... 




                                                      SIGH







Bottom line through my cold medicine induced story is this. I am marrying the greatest man I've ever know, next to my Daddy. I have many great men in my family, and a couple of fabulous Uncles. I know that I am TRULY loved, by my groom and his kids and his parents, and I will forever give them anything I have to offer. I mean what else would YOU do but offer your entire existence to someone who says you can blow your nose in their t-shirt pocket?

This post is directly related to the person *cough cough* who implied I may be a "glitterfied hillibilly." (please don't ask me now who it was, because I don't remember. I have taken this post from a note I put on my personal Facebook page. Probably in hopes they'd realize they may indeed get a butt-whoopin'."

Sit back and get something to drink, because I'm about to tell y'all a story.There was this one time, I had to be carried by the arms out of a bar. Now I'm not counting those other times when I stumbled out singing songs and acting goofy. I mean a time where I WAS GONNA KICK SOMEBODDY A$$ !!!!!!!  I was visiting Houston, with my Momma, back when we lived in Nashville. We went out with a hige group of friends to see one of the bands that we know, play in some podunk bar. OF COURSE our dear friend in the band just has to announce that we were from Nashville. Off we go....

  I danced with various friends, and other decent seeming guys that night. I always got the question, all 12 years that I was gone and would come back to visit, "Did you move to Nashville to be a country music star?????"   In retrospect I should have just said yes, to seem really cool. Instead I told the truth and said "NO!!! You'd pay me NOT to sing. Im a hair stylist to the stars."   One guy in particular was just GROSS. Im sorry. He was just GROSS. I turned down his offer to dance about 50 times. Well, a group of us get up to leave for the night, and I walk right past "Gross Guy" and he says "Go on and get out of here you DAMN HILLBILLY!!!!!!"   *****THIS......******  This is when I LOST IT. I mean went bat crap CRAZY. I was going to stomp his scrawny butt into the ground. I KNOW what hillbillys are. They live in parts of Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky (sorry Deb) but they still have mulletts. A hillbilly doesn't go to the dentist. A hillbilly doesn't know the difference between  "I was at the store and I saw balloons." compared to "I wuz down at the store and I seen some purty balloons and when I sucked the helium out of fifty of 'em baby it didn't compare to the feelin' I get when you stand in your mu-mu at the stove with curler's in your hair fryin' my breakfast baloney."    There's just certain things that set a "hillbilly" apart. You dont have to be a hillbilly just because you live in a hillbilly state. No. You can choose otherwise. Like I did. Lived in Tennessee. Never did I allow myself to be sucked in to Hillbilly-land. 

  But the sheer fact, that this drunk, piece of doo-doo called ME!!!! - an educated, carrer oriented woman, who owned a house, had a nice car, took care of a whole family and KNEW HOW TO SPEAK PROPERLY, a hillbilly, just ate me me alive. 
  This is when two of my guy friends picked me up by the arms with my legs flailing in the air and carried me to the car. Now I will interject and tell anyone who ever asks, if you wish to call me a Redneck, so be it. I AM educated, and can speak properly, and have myself put together. Yet a redneck is a whole differeny species from a Hillbilly. I'm going to tell you what the Bellamy Brother's sang about "Redneck Girls." They like to ride around in Daddy's pick up truck. ( well yeah I do! ) She's got a kiss on her lips for her man an no one else. She wears her name on the back of her belt. (so? Its not a MULLETT trailing down my back)  Then there are things like we wear cute girly dresses with our cowboy boots. We may complain about the price of gas but those boots DO cost over $200.00   

   I could go on and on. There's just a huge difference between a Texas Redneck and being called a "Damn Hillbilly" by someone who is totally wasted and doesn't even know I'm more of a Texan than he is. I don't have a couch on my front porch like these people in West Virginia do, and let little naked children (probably who have taken up residence at their dilapidated house, not even knowing if its one of theirs husbands 17 children, their own, or their their little brother who's their cousin, brother, AND their biological toddler,  run around the BLOCK.

  Call me a redneck. Sure. I have the state of Texas tatooed on my shoulder. I want us to secede from the US. I also want to run for Queen when we do. Not a whole lot matters to me more than my dog, and trying to get the government to make cream cheese and butter their own food groups.  I'm a Daddy's girl. Blah blah blah. So sure. Call me the "R" word and I'll take it.

   Call me a "Hillbilly" and I will get an andrenline rush like no other and go absolutely ape crazy on you.
  Now about the glitter. This really has nothing to do with the subject, except, I was accused of being a glitterfied hillbilly. Pffffffttttt. "Gee let's tell her she's glittery and she won't get pissy" I personally, am obssesed with glitter, and I'm thinking of buying tons of glitter to decorate EVERYTHING I own, even my headboard, mini blinds, and my cat. So there you have a glitterfied redneck. But in noooooooooo way am I a hibilly. I become crazy when that accusation comes across me. 
  If you have questions, please leave a comment below. I'll give you a list of things that are acceptable to entitle me with. You should probably ask first unless you want a Five Foot Two blonde jumping on you with the strength of the Confederate Army. 

-CHICK-

PS:
  Yes I KNOW the South lost the War. No. I do not fly a rebel flag. Yes, Gone With The Wind is the most worn out book in my house besides my bible. No. I don't care what race anyone is, just act normal and DONT CALL ME A HILLBILLY. 

  









   I have been without my laptop for a month now. It is now home, back on my lap! It's been so thought-killing to me to blog from my iphone, and my brain works faster than a pen and paper can go. There's a dreadful PC in my house, but I'm die hard APPLE forever baby! I just cannot, will not, do anything productive without a MAC!            

  This brings me to my point. Challenges. Roadblocks. Setbacks. PROBLEMS.  

 Oh yeah. Problems. Raise your hand if you've never had any. I see no hands raised. Just the opposite. I think you all just sat on your hands. In fact you don't have enough fingers (or toes) to count the problems you've faced. 

  Someone asked me to blog about something real. Raw and true. So here we are. Here's me, there's you. We're having a conversation. So here's the deal. Chick is not here to blow glitter up your butt. Sure I'm happy the majority of time. Sometimes I am SO sickening elated that people around me randomly vomit. True fact. 

  "Oh my GAWSH Chick!! You ooze glitter. Your smile is brighter than the sun. I was going to go home and lock myself in my closet with my old baby blanket, but YOU RUINED IT!!!! You made me happy!!!!" then you hear, "baaaarrrrffffffff".

  But come on. What week, month, day, doesn't throw curve balls at us? I want you to remember a phrase that I've never forgotten. I heard it from a teacher one day in high school. Which I rarely went to school, but thats another blog. (yet I passed with flying colors) (I know, I know, you wish you would have known me when you were in school so I could have given you lessons on how to never go to school and makes all A's)  Oh yes, the phrase……







"Whatever emotion you are currently feeling will NOT last forever." 




Pause.

Wow.

So right now you're worried sick. You can't eat, you pray you could sleep for days but you can't. You're in pure agony over the fact that "someone" might call. That your doorbell may ring at 11 pm and your car is hooked to a tow truck because you DO have to EAT and its illegal to live in a home with no electricity. But Holy Hell they may come take your car, and how the $%#@ do they expect you to get to work to pay for anything?! The mailman comes. The sheriff finds you with those stomach lurching, awful papers. Your poor baby is so sick and you don't know how to make your child better, because you can't. You pray that your ailing parent will get better, by some sliver of a miracle. Right when you've finished raising kids you have grand child to raise because you feel like you failed somehow and your own kid can't be a parent. You wait for test results, because what if you're sick and you can't do anything about it? The laundry is piled to the ceiling. You dread your spouse to come home from work because you know the hours of fighting that will ensue. Your precious dog, best friend with a tail, is getting old and you don't know how much time you have left together. You're out of medication your BRAIN is addicted to and the Dr. won't refill it because technically you're an addict, even though its the Dr. who let you get addicted in the first place. You have to host a party and if you don't get the house clean, have everything bought and finished within the three minutes of spare time you have between now and the party you may go mad. 

People are sucking the life out of you, so much so WHO ARE YOU ANYWAYS?????? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANY MORE ?????




  Dude. 

Let's try admitting you're not a super hero. Pick you problem. Any one of them. Find one thing you can do right now. Do it. Makes lists if you have to. Write down what you can do about it. Please don't worry about what you WANT to happen. Because there's a WHOLE GRAND PLAN baby-o. I promise. 

So let's not ignore our problems. Let's approach them and do what we can. Then the remaining problem, take out your pocket ziplock baggie of glitter and just DUMP THAT STUFF ALL OVER EVERYTHING.  (I'm going to laugh when you get searched by the cops one day and instead of white powder in a baggie you have glitter)  (in fact Im going to laugh SOOOOO hard, and being that I have a huge bladder, I may create a flood) 




Now. Stop thinking about the problems. Do what you can, when you can, and LET IT GO. Being happy, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, doing anything you can to help someone else be happy, which may solve part of their problem, is what matters. IF YOU CANT FREAKIN' FIX IT, STOP FREAKIN' WORRYING ABOUT IT!  Personally I like to give it to God. 

  "Yo' God. Hey Dude. Its Chick. Look you said to give you my problems so HERE YA GO!!!!! Take it! FIX IT! Please make me stop worrying about it and just show me what I can do for someone else's well being." 

   Or write it down. Then shred it up. Throw it in the toilet. Take a dump.  (doesn't that sound like a good way to shit on someone's head without getting in trouble!!!)




 Read. Pray. Laugh. Watch funny YouTube videos. Heck I'll tell you my YouTube channel if you want to see some really stupid stuff I've done. What 31 year old rides an electronic pony, outside of a place called the Bean Pot? Uhhhh yeah. Chick. 

 Guess what else you can do? Write someone. Heck, write me, I don't think anyone listens to me anyways, so maybe I'd be kind of flattered. Tell me anything you want. I don't know your family, I aint gonna say nuthin'. 




Bottom line. 

 ITS NOT GOING TO LAST FOREVER. Can't control it? Crap on it. Look back and clearly realize how you've ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS been A-OKAY. Keep the pocket glitter on you. Feel sad? Look at it and go sprinkle some in someones hair. This usually cures sadness and boredom. As far as I know its not illegal. Pick up your chin, shoulders, open your worried eyes and see there's a big world out there. You are soooooooo NOT the only one within ten feet that isn't having problems. GET OVER YOURSELF. Like you're that important in the realm of "problem-land." 




 Get it out, Get it over with, Get on with it, and GLITTER IT. 

*Note from Chick*- You may want to read the previous post, "Magically Getting Things Fixed" for this to all come together in your mind. ;) 

Driving through the mountains with The Best Friend, I was riding my brakes in my truck. If you looked out either window you could clearly see you were millimeters away from plummeting to your death, and that day I did not want to die.

 Yes the brakes made a warning smell. Yes the brakes started to lock up. Yes, suddenly, the brakes wouldn't work. I pulled off as carefully as I could knowing that I was headed straight for the trees. Thank God there were some big trees. 

  So here we have a problem. We're 400 miles from home, on vacation, and I have no idea what to do about my brakes. But worse yet…. I HAD TO PEE. You will learn I pee a lot, and I am never embarrassed to talk about it. I couldn't think of anything for the past hour than I needed to find a bathroom. So The Best Friend, got in her luggage and got me a sock. Of course there was not a napkin to be found. I went down the mountain a little bit and peed for about 20 minutes straight. I wiped with the sock and littered. I threw the cotton sock down the mountain for the bears to find.

  I come back to the truck and The Best Friend asks where her sock is. 'She wanted it back?!?!?!?!?!'   Indeed. To this day she says I owe her a sock but no. Because once I bought some markers at Walgreens and got home and the coolest one was missing. A few months later in French class, just as I was befriending The Best Friend, she pulls the marker out of her bag and explains that is was the only one she wanted so she stole it!!!!! So there for I covered her sock in pee and threw it down the mountain.

  Okay the pee part has been explained. No one was coming along what so ever. So I said a prayer. And POOF!!!! A grandfather and a grandson pulled over, checked it all out and got us to the main road. (Did I forget to mention we were lost?)

  So. A guy, well 2, came and fixed it!

  The Mother and I moved into an apartment one time together, leaving my home and moving 1,000 miles away. How on earth were we going to get our washer and dryer hooked up? It needed a part AND hooked up, and we certainly didn't know how to do it. Shut up men. You can't fold fitted sheets or refold a king sized comforter set and put it back in the bag perfectly like I can.

  So. While we wondered what to do, we unpacked and did our thing. I ended up at the swimming pool, writing The Best Friend a letter, because I missed her. Here comes A GUY. Next thing I know, he's got my number, knows what apartment I'm in and 'He's madly in love and wants me to go meet his dying grandfather in the hospital because he's convinced he's going to marry me'

  I had to be nice. So I played nice for a couple of days then sweetly asked for help with the washer and dryer. POOF!!!!!! DONE!!!!! HA! Beat that MOTHER! I don't see YOU finding guys all the time when we need things done.

  There was another time that The Mother had a car problem. Guess who drove to the gas station and batted my eyelashes and brought A GUY back to fix the car.

  I waited to break up with a guy until he put in an extra phone line, fixed our dishwasher, and changed a really high light bulb. 

  You all get the idea. I can just magically make guys appear who are more than willing to 'fix things' just to win a portion of my attention. 

  Okay so I use people. But don't you think for one minute I am mean and don't at least let them be seen in public with me on their arm.

  Oh once we got a brand new free tv when I was in high school. (all of this started way early)

  We stole a computer desk out of an vacant, left abandoned apartment, and a guy helped us get it home.

  A couple of months ago I was picked up in the arms of a bouncer at a night club so I wouldn't have to step in a puddle. I kid you nay.

  By now you should have a clear picture of how Chick gets things magically done. So I never worry when trouble arises, I just make a guy magically appear. 

SO. I'm a chick, who doesn't have a man around. Now hold up there my little fillies. I am 100% all for women's rights. All right, 98%, because there are just some things women can do and some things men can do. Most of these things we all can do, but we're too busy focusing on the oriented things society thinks we should be doing that we don't learn how do everything. SO. I'm going to start with yesterday's occasion and go from there. 

  It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday. My mother was supposed to come by my house to obtain me to go to lunch and out for shopping. When The Mother called crying and I thought surely someone had died, it turned out her car wouldn't start. "Okay. Calm down. I'll fix this. I'll be right over."

  Driving down the road I could only think of one idea. I'd had someone confess to me the night before that he was madly in love with me. I MEAN MADLY. As in, I'd make you the happiest woman alive and you'd never have to work again and I'll buy you a Dodge Viper if you'll only marry me" in love. 

  I didn't WANT to do what I was about to do, but fingers love to touch iPhones and just do things. Send text messages saying you promise you'll go to the movies with someone while forgetting you promised best friend you'd watch her kids that day so she can go have her annual test to make sure she doesn't have cancer, phone calls at 2 am when you miss your ex crying into the phone about how you miss them but there's no way you want them back unless they get a bathroom door and bathroom walls, and get their dogs to stop bringing dead cats to the door. 

SO. I didn't want to do what I did, but I called the person who is MADLY IN LOVE with me. The conversation went like this, "Hi.... Its Chick." 

 "I know who it is silly!!! I've only been waiting for you to call for 17 hours while holding my breath and I've already passed out and now I'm on an oxygen tank."

  "Oh. Well. Glad you're okay. Listen, I know you wanna see me really badly, and I need a HUGE favor and I just reeeeeallllllyyyyy need you."

  -You say you NEED someone who is love with you and guess what happens? Lightning fast they're pulling up at your mother's house, even though they didn't know where she lived, their heart just lead them where to go.

  Of course I had to explain to The Mother when I arrived what I had done. "Well Mom... you see there's this guy."

  "Oh where did you get this one?! Oh nevermind! Thank God there's a guy!"

  "Okay well he'll be here soon, and I have to tell you he is crazy in love with me to the point of spray painting our names on the Statue of Liberty."

  "Okay fine. What are we going to do? It needs to be jumped but its stuck in the (one car) garage."

  "He'll push it out. It will be fine. I have this all under control."

  Notice The Mother didn't flinch much when I told her there was a guy. This is something everyone around me is just used to. However, after the worst marriage in the history of my family, I will never have another boyfriend, husband etc. I refuse. But if I do get remarried you're all invited.

  So The Guy comes, we jump the car, all is well, he follows us to the auto parts store and he picks my mom out the best battery and The Mother invites him to lunch. 

  "Well Chick!!!" Mom whines, "I saw him hugging you and kissing you on the head over by the windshield wipers.

  "DONTYOUTHINKTHEYALLDOTHAT?! Haven't you learned by now that doesn't MEAN ANYTHING to me?!" I cross my arms and pout and demand to be taken to Starbucks for my trouble.

  So now, a day later, The Guy, is convinced I like him way more than I'd ever let on. Now I'll say nice as can be, overly helpful, goals, nice house, bathroom doors and walls, etc. But like I said earlier ain't nobody gettin' into this heart or head of mine. No way, no how. Not unless you're 500 times better than the best boyfriend/husband in the world. So forgetaboutit. I can't say "No, I don't like you." So I say "Oh you just wish I liked you as much as you want. No I am not perfect. You have fabricated the perfect woman in your mind and I happened to come along and you put all of those false hopes on me, and IM NOT YOUR ONE." 

  But of course, as usual they don't believe me. 

  Please know in no way, whatsoever, am I bragging. This is not a fun thing, having 727 guys falling all over you at different times and all you want is to be left alone, and stop having to come up with excuses of why you can't go out. I mean at this point I should have my hair missing, for all the bleaching of the roots I must do, which takes all day and night. I have to start at 6 am so breakfast dates are out too, and so are 11:00 pm drinks. I mean that bleach has to stay on all day and night and then I'm so tired the rest of the week and I've broken out in hives from the bleach that I just can't go out. That and I'm out of mascara and I can't go out without it, and I can't go to the store to get some because I don't have any to wear to leave the house, so I guess I'll be a hermit forever, "but you're a really nice guy!"

  I know you've read your eye balls off, so I will end this post and continue this topic in separate entries. If I wrote all of my "Mr. Fix It" stories in one post, this website my explode, then I'd have to find ANOTHER guy to "fix it."

  

Yeah I know shocker right?
Lets begin by my mother and I having to move a mattress OLDER THAN ME, out of my bedroom and into the guest room so that I can go to to ex boyfriends to gather a uhaul of my nice pretty things and FINALLY put them in the room and stop sleeping on the couch like I'm a college student. Or a bad friend who can't work because I have nail polish and toilet paper eating addiction.
  We started last night cleaning out MY bedroom, since I've been gone 12 years and returned with nothing but heaping pile of clothes and dishes because what eles really matters in this world? My pretty furniuture I put at my ex's house to hide from my ex-monster-husband and besides he was in luuuuuvvvvvvvvvv like the others. So fine. I'll live there. I'll be closer to downtown and get some swanky job. Well that crap was for the birds, literally. I mean you can be the nicest person on earth but if you can't support yourself after ALL THESE YEARS, then maybe I need to be moving along. The swanky job was for the birds too. BEWARE: Your hair stylist that charges you out the wah-hoo for that haircut, just shot heroin in their veins with a needle that had been passed around ten times. (AND NOT ME EVERRRRR !!!!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!)
  My mother turns to me and says "Now tomorrow I don't want their to be any confrontation. I just think that would turn out horrible and then the cops would have to show up."
  Me: "Muuutttthhhhhhheeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr you know he's being calm and he's no confrontational. He's been nice about this whole thing since the huge fight last week."
 My mother: "I wasn't talking about confrontation from him Chick........................."

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Meeeeeeeeeeee ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'll skip boring details of how I've been broken up with this person since LAST SEPTEMEBER and last week thought I'd be nice and go bowling as FRIENDS. HA! (snort through my nose) (no guy can ever just think he's my friend) He sees me talking to a man older than my own parents and gets mad and LEAVES ME at the bowling alley. Like no car, no way home, just gets jealous and leaves.

But what I will tell you the funny things I did say while I was being very nice and cordial while packing up my stuff today.

Me: Oh. You're home. We could have done this without you. Thank you so much. I do appreciate it. I hope the dresser gets dropped on your foot so you can't drive and leave people pleaces. No wonder you're not married.

Him: "Ha Ha Ha I know this is funny but here's some tampons..... I mean its not like iiiiiiiiiii am going to us them! ha ha!"
Me: "You sure could have last Friday night."

Him: "See y'all later! Be careful! Keep in touch! Don't over do it! Talk you later!!!! Seeeee youuuuu latttterrrrrrrr"
Me: "Noooooooo YOU PROBABLY WON'T!!!!!"

Him: "Let me know y'all make it all right!"
Me: "Im going 25 miles. You care? You didn't care last Friday when you LEFT ME at the bowling alley cuz you're so bat poop crazy you get jealous of an older man who was doing NOTHING. You only want to know if you're packing of the UHaul turned out well. You don't care about me."


Besides I can't let you know if I make it home okay because I've already deleted your number.


  Later when the UHaul has to go to my mom's apartment to simply drop off a table she realizes she left dead bolt is locked and she needs her garage door opener. FIIIIIIIINE. I can see her car RIGHT THERE, at the Uhaul place. Turns out a person cannot stand and open a gate. It takes a car. So in my wokout clothes I decide its either over or under the fence. So I went under. After face planting into wildflowers I was playing G.I. Jane till my J-Lo booty got stuck.  The metal black fence posts had my pants down around my ankles and my neon bloomers showing to everyone in the city INCLUDING the kids on the playground at my old elementary.
  I used to go to that school, and my now best friend hated me in kindergarten. Had the nerve to come up with me one day while I hung upside down on the monkey bars in a dress and say "YOU KNOW CHICK- everyone can see your underwear!!"
  My quick response was "So?!?! They are clothes aren't they?!" and thats been the joke for 26 years. So laying on the ground.... a football field or two away from the playground, what could I say while hanging by my pants, but "So whole town out driving on your lunch break. They're CLOTHES AREN'T THEY?!"
  Its a really good thing I never get embarrassed.