SO. I'm a chick, who doesn't have a man around. Now hold up there my little fillies. I am 100% all for women's rights. All right, 98%, because there are just some things women can do and some things men can do. Most of these things we all can do, but we're too busy focusing on the oriented things society thinks we should be doing that we don't learn how do everything. SO. I'm going to start with yesterday's occasion and go from there. 

  It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday. My mother was supposed to come by my house to obtain me to go to lunch and out for shopping. When The Mother called crying and I thought surely someone had died, it turned out her car wouldn't start. "Okay. Calm down. I'll fix this. I'll be right over."

  Driving down the road I could only think of one idea. I'd had someone confess to me the night before that he was madly in love with me. I MEAN MADLY. As in, I'd make you the happiest woman alive and you'd never have to work again and I'll buy you a Dodge Viper if you'll only marry me" in love. 

  I didn't WANT to do what I was about to do, but fingers love to touch iPhones and just do things. Send text messages saying you promise you'll go to the movies with someone while forgetting you promised best friend you'd watch her kids that day so she can go have her annual test to make sure she doesn't have cancer, phone calls at 2 am when you miss your ex crying into the phone about how you miss them but there's no way you want them back unless they get a bathroom door and bathroom walls, and get their dogs to stop bringing dead cats to the door. 

SO. I didn't want to do what I did, but I called the person who is MADLY IN LOVE with me. The conversation went like this, "Hi.... Its Chick." 

 "I know who it is silly!!! I've only been waiting for you to call for 17 hours while holding my breath and I've already passed out and now I'm on an oxygen tank."

  "Oh. Well. Glad you're okay. Listen, I know you wanna see me really badly, and I need a HUGE favor and I just reeeeeallllllyyyyy need you."

  -You say you NEED someone who is love with you and guess what happens? Lightning fast they're pulling up at your mother's house, even though they didn't know where she lived, their heart just lead them where to go.

  Of course I had to explain to The Mother when I arrived what I had done. "Well Mom... you see there's this guy."

  "Oh where did you get this one?! Oh nevermind! Thank God there's a guy!"

  "Okay well he'll be here soon, and I have to tell you he is crazy in love with me to the point of spray painting our names on the Statue of Liberty."

  "Okay fine. What are we going to do? It needs to be jumped but its stuck in the (one car) garage."

  "He'll push it out. It will be fine. I have this all under control."

  Notice The Mother didn't flinch much when I told her there was a guy. This is something everyone around me is just used to. However, after the worst marriage in the history of my family, I will never have another boyfriend, husband etc. I refuse. But if I do get remarried you're all invited.

  So The Guy comes, we jump the car, all is well, he follows us to the auto parts store and he picks my mom out the best battery and The Mother invites him to lunch. 

  "Well Chick!!!" Mom whines, "I saw him hugging you and kissing you on the head over by the windshield wipers.

  "DONTYOUTHINKTHEYALLDOTHAT?! Haven't you learned by now that doesn't MEAN ANYTHING to me?!" I cross my arms and pout and demand to be taken to Starbucks for my trouble.

  So now, a day later, The Guy, is convinced I like him way more than I'd ever let on. Now I'll say nice as can be, overly helpful, goals, nice house, bathroom doors and walls, etc. But like I said earlier ain't nobody gettin' into this heart or head of mine. No way, no how. Not unless you're 500 times better than the best boyfriend/husband in the world. So forgetaboutit. I can't say "No, I don't like you." So I say "Oh you just wish I liked you as much as you want. No I am not perfect. You have fabricated the perfect woman in your mind and I happened to come along and you put all of those false hopes on me, and IM NOT YOUR ONE." 

  But of course, as usual they don't believe me. 

  Please know in no way, whatsoever, am I bragging. This is not a fun thing, having 727 guys falling all over you at different times and all you want is to be left alone, and stop having to come up with excuses of why you can't go out. I mean at this point I should have my hair missing, for all the bleaching of the roots I must do, which takes all day and night. I have to start at 6 am so breakfast dates are out too, and so are 11:00 pm drinks. I mean that bleach has to stay on all day and night and then I'm so tired the rest of the week and I've broken out in hives from the bleach that I just can't go out. That and I'm out of mascara and I can't go out without it, and I can't go to the store to get some because I don't have any to wear to leave the house, so I guess I'll be a hermit forever, "but you're a really nice guy!"

  I know you've read your eye balls off, so I will end this post and continue this topic in separate entries. If I wrote all of my "Mr. Fix It" stories in one post, this website my explode, then I'd have to find ANOTHER guy to "fix it."


5/28/2012 09:32:10 am

Never say never Chick.


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