*Note from Chick*- You may want to read the previous post, "Magically Getting Things Fixed" for this to all come together in your mind. ;)
Driving through the mountains with The Best Friend, I was riding my brakes in my truck. If you looked out either window you could clearly see you were millimeters away from plummeting to your death, and that day I did not want to die.
Yes the brakes made a warning smell. Yes the brakes started to lock up. Yes, suddenly, the brakes wouldn't work. I pulled off as carefully as I could knowing that I was headed straight for the trees. Thank God there were some big trees.
So here we have a problem. We're 400 miles from home, on vacation, and I have no idea what to do about my brakes. But worse yet…. I HAD TO PEE. You will learn I pee a lot, and I am never embarrassed to talk about it. I couldn't think of anything for the past hour than I needed to find a bathroom. So The Best Friend, got in her luggage and got me a sock. Of course there was not a napkin to be found. I went down the mountain a little bit and peed for about 20 minutes straight. I wiped with the sock and littered. I threw the cotton sock down the mountain for the bears to find.
I come back to the truck and The Best Friend asks where her sock is. 'She wanted it back?!?!?!?!?!' Indeed. To this day she says I owe her a sock but no. Because once I bought some markers at Walgreens and got home and the coolest one was missing. A few months later in French class, just as I was befriending The Best Friend, she pulls the marker out of her bag and explains that is was the only one she wanted so she stole it!!!!! So there for I covered her sock in pee and threw it down the mountain.
Okay the pee part has been explained. No one was coming along what so ever. So I said a prayer. And POOF!!!! A grandfather and a grandson pulled over, checked it all out and got us to the main road. (Did I forget to mention we were lost?)
So. A guy, well 2, came and fixed it!
The Mother and I moved into an apartment one time together, leaving my home and moving 1,000 miles away. How on earth were we going to get our washer and dryer hooked up? It needed a part AND hooked up, and we certainly didn't know how to do it. Shut up men. You can't fold fitted sheets or refold a king sized comforter set and put it back in the bag perfectly like I can.
So. While we wondered what to do, we unpacked and did our thing. I ended up at the swimming pool, writing The Best Friend a letter, because I missed her. Here comes A GUY. Next thing I know, he's got my number, knows what apartment I'm in and 'He's madly in love and wants me to go meet his dying grandfather in the hospital because he's convinced he's going to marry me'
I had to be nice. So I played nice for a couple of days then sweetly asked for help with the washer and dryer. POOF!!!!!! DONE!!!!! HA! Beat that MOTHER! I don't see YOU finding guys all the time when we need things done.
There was another time that The Mother had a car problem. Guess who drove to the gas station and batted my eyelashes and brought A GUY back to fix the car.
I waited to break up with a guy until he put in an extra phone line, fixed our dishwasher, and changed a really high light bulb.
You all get the idea. I can just magically make guys appear who are more than willing to 'fix things' just to win a portion of my attention.
Okay so I use people. But don't you think for one minute I am mean and don't at least let them be seen in public with me on their arm.
Oh once we got a brand new free tv when I was in high school. (all of this started way early)
We stole a computer desk out of an vacant, left abandoned apartment, and a guy helped us get it home.
A couple of months ago I was picked up in the arms of a bouncer at a night club so I wouldn't have to step in a puddle. I kid you nay.
By now you should have a clear picture of how Chick gets things magically done. So I never worry when trouble arises, I just make a guy magically appear.
SO. I'm a chick, who doesn't have a man around. Now hold up there my little fillies. I am 100% all for women's rights. All right, 98%, because there are just some things women can do and some things men can do. Most of these things we all can do, but we're too busy focusing on the oriented things society thinks we should be doing that we don't learn how do everything. SO. I'm going to start with yesterday's occasion and go from there.
It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday. My mother was supposed to come by my house to obtain me to go to lunch and out for shopping. When The Mother called crying and I thought surely someone had died, it turned out her car wouldn't start. "Okay. Calm down. I'll fix this. I'll be right over."
Driving down the road I could only think of one idea. I'd had someone confess to me the night before that he was madly in love with me. I MEAN MADLY. As in, I'd make you the happiest woman alive and you'd never have to work again and I'll buy you a Dodge Viper if you'll only marry me" in love.
I didn't WANT to do what I was about to do, but fingers love to touch iPhones and just do things. Send text messages saying you promise you'll go to the movies with someone while forgetting you promised best friend you'd watch her kids that day so she can go have her annual test to make sure she doesn't have cancer, phone calls at 2 am when you miss your ex crying into the phone about how you miss them but there's no way you want them back unless they get a bathroom door and bathroom walls, and get their dogs to stop bringing dead cats to the door.
SO. I didn't want to do what I did, but I called the person who is MADLY IN LOVE with me. The conversation went like this, "Hi.... Its Chick."
"I know who it is silly!!! I've only been waiting for you to call for 17 hours while holding my breath and I've already passed out and now I'm on an oxygen tank."
"Oh. Well. Glad you're okay. Listen, I know you wanna see me really badly, and I need a HUGE favor and I just reeeeeallllllyyyyy need you."
-You say you NEED someone who is love with you and guess what happens? Lightning fast they're pulling up at your mother's house, even though they didn't know where she lived, their heart just lead them where to go.
Of course I had to explain to The Mother when I arrived what I had done. "Well Mom... you see there's this guy."
"Oh where did you get this one?! Oh nevermind! Thank God there's a guy!"
"Okay well he'll be here soon, and I have to tell you he is crazy in love with me to the point of spray painting our names on the Statue of Liberty."
"Okay fine. What are we going to do? It needs to be jumped but its stuck in the (one car) garage."
"He'll push it out. It will be fine. I have this all under control."
Notice The Mother didn't flinch much when I told her there was a guy. This is something everyone around me is just used to. However, after the worst marriage in the history of my family, I will never have another boyfriend, husband etc. I refuse. But if I do get remarried you're all invited.
So The Guy comes, we jump the car, all is well, he follows us to the auto parts store and he picks my mom out the best battery and The Mother invites him to lunch.
"Well Chick!!!" Mom whines, "I saw him hugging you and kissing you on the head over by the windshield wipers.
"DONTYOUTHINKTHEYALLDOTHAT?! Haven't you learned by now that doesn't MEAN ANYTHING to me?!" I cross my arms and pout and demand to be taken to Starbucks for my trouble.
So now, a day later, The Guy, is convinced I like him way more than I'd ever let on. Now I'll say nice as can be, overly helpful, goals, nice house, bathroom doors and walls, etc. But like I said earlier ain't nobody gettin' into this heart or head of mine. No way, no how. Not unless you're 500 times better than the best boyfriend/husband in the world. So forgetaboutit. I can't say "No, I don't like you." So I say "Oh you just wish I liked you as much as you want. No I am not perfect. You have fabricated the perfect woman in your mind and I happened to come along and you put all of those false hopes on me, and IM NOT YOUR ONE."
But of course, as usual they don't believe me.
Please know in no way, whatsoever, am I bragging. This is not a fun thing, having 727 guys falling all over you at different times and all you want is to be left alone, and stop having to come up with excuses of why you can't go out. I mean at this point I should have my hair missing, for all the bleaching of the roots I must do, which takes all day and night. I have to start at 6 am so breakfast dates are out too, and so are 11:00 pm drinks. I mean that bleach has to stay on all day and night and then I'm so tired the rest of the week and I've broken out in hives from the bleach that I just can't go out. That and I'm out of mascara and I can't go out without it, and I can't go to the store to get some because I don't have any to wear to leave the house, so I guess I'll be a hermit forever, "but you're a really nice guy!"
I know you've read your eye balls off, so I will end this post and continue this topic in separate entries. If I wrote all of my "Mr. Fix It" stories in one post, this website my explode, then I'd have to find ANOTHER guy to "fix it."
Yeah I know shocker right?
Lets begin by my mother and I having to move a mattress OLDER THAN ME, out of my bedroom and into the guest room so that I can go to to ex boyfriends to gather a uhaul of my nice pretty things and FINALLY put them in the room and stop sleeping on the couch like I'm a college student. Or a bad friend who can't work because I have nail polish and toilet paper eating addiction.
We started last night cleaning out MY bedroom, since I've been gone 12 years and returned with nothing but heaping pile of clothes and dishes because what eles really matters in this world? My pretty furniuture I put at my ex's house to hide from my ex-monster-husband and besides he was in luuuuuvvvvvvvvvv like the others. So fine. I'll live there. I'll be closer to downtown and get some swanky job. Well that crap was for the birds, literally. I mean you can be the nicest person on earth but if you can't support yourself after ALL THESE YEARS, then maybe I need to be moving along. The swanky job was for the birds too. BEWARE: Your hair stylist that charges you out the wah-hoo for that haircut, just shot heroin in their veins with a needle that had been passed around ten times. (AND NOT ME EVERRRRR !!!!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!)
My mother turns to me and says "Now tomorrow I don't want their to be any confrontation. I just think that would turn out horrible and then the cops would have to show up."
Me: "Muuutttthhhhhhheeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr you know he's being calm and he's no confrontational. He's been nice about this whole thing since the huge fight last week."
My mother: "I wasn't talking about confrontation from him Chick........................."
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Meeeeeeeeeeee ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I'll skip boring details of how I've been broken up with this person since LAST SEPTEMEBER and last week thought I'd be nice and go bowling as FRIENDS. HA! (snort through my nose) (no guy can ever just think he's my friend) He sees me talking to a man older than my own parents and gets mad and LEAVES ME at the bowling alley. Like no car, no way home, just gets jealous and leaves.
But what I will tell you the funny things I did say while I was being very nice and cordial while packing up my stuff today.
Me: Oh. You're home. We could have done this without you. Thank you so much. I do appreciate it. I hope the dresser gets dropped on your foot so you can't drive and leave people pleaces. No wonder you're not married.
Him: "Ha Ha Ha I know this is funny but here's some tampons..... I mean its not like iiiiiiiiiii am going to us them! ha ha!"
Me: "You sure could have last Friday night."
Him: "See y'all later! Be careful! Keep in touch! Don't over do it! Talk you later!!!! Seeeee youuuuu latttterrrrrrrr"
Me: "Noooooooo YOU PROBABLY WON'T!!!!!"
Him: "Let me know y'all make it all right!"
Me: "Im going 25 miles. You care? You didn't care last Friday when you LEFT ME at the bowling alley cuz you're so bat poop crazy you get jealous of an older man who was doing NOTHING. You only want to know if you're packing of the UHaul turned out well. You don't care about me."
Besides I can't let you know if I make it home okay because I've already deleted your number.
Later when the UHaul has to go to my mom's apartment to simply drop off a table she realizes she left dead bolt is locked and she needs her garage door opener. FIIIIIIIINE. I can see her car RIGHT THERE, at the Uhaul place. Turns out a person cannot stand and open a gate. It takes a car. So in my wokout clothes I decide its either over or under the fence. So I went under. After face planting into wildflowers I was playing G.I. Jane till my J-Lo booty got stuck. The metal black fence posts had my pants down around my ankles and my neon bloomers showing to everyone in the city INCLUDING the kids on the playground at my old elementary.
I used to go to that school, and my now best friend hated me in kindergarten. Had the nerve to come up with me one day while I hung upside down on the monkey bars in a dress and say "YOU KNOW CHICK- everyone can see your underwear!!"
My quick response was "So?!?! They are clothes aren't they?!" and thats been the joke for 26 years. So laying on the ground.... a football field or two away from the playground, what could I say while hanging by my pants, but "So whole town out driving on your lunch break. They're CLOTHES AREN'T THEY?!"
Its a really good thing I never get embarrassed.