First more coffee. Hold please.
Mmmm. Frito's are good.
Okay so here's my deal for the day. The world is facing so many problems. Sickness, poverty, natural disasters, man made disasters, hunger, terrorism, war, I could go on and on. But you know what? We all still have our own problems? And you know what else? Mine are getting a little too big to handle. I feel like a whiny baby but don't you have issues that just make you want to pull your hair out?
I'm starting over. Back home, in a different state after twelve years of being away. I didn't think it would be THIS DARN HARD to find a job. I want to walk into these places and say "Don't you realize who I am?!" Because dang it I AM SOMEBODY. I am a really big deal. I've worked with people that are a HUGE deal and made them very happy. However I work in a very snobby, click-ish industry. I'm not know for what I do in this town. If someone would just make some phone calls, look at my portfolio and trust me and let me do my thing and leave me alone I could flourish like you wouldn't believe.
I honestly feel like a looser. Im going to be blatantly honest here. Some days..... I can't get dressed. I make phone calls, I submit resumes, I email, etc but the thought of this big wide world just brings me down, because this big wide world has caused me such TURMOIL for the past six years.
Wow. That was an epiphany if I've ever had one. They say when you write things come out, and here I am, just writing from my gut. I'm honestly stunned at myself. I have gotten scared of this world. The sad part is being OUT IN THIS WORLD is what makes me the happiest. I can sit here all day and try and be productive, but simply going to the store lifts my spirits. Yet a lot of days I can't motivate myself to get out the door.
Meanwhile I need to bleach my roots. SURPRISE!!!!!!! Chick here isn't a natural blonde. Im what you consider a "dark blonde" so I don't feel so bad telling the world that I have to lighten this dark hair thats grown in. Can I mention how much grey hair has popped up in the last year, and Im 31?!
If I had to give advice to someone who was in my exact situation I'd say this. "Go mix up that bleach and make your hair pretty because it looks like crap. Go through that pile of clothes you can't hang up and hang them up. Get ready for tomorrow, print your resumes and write down every place you want to go, in order. Buff those stupid finger nails you've bitten off because you work with your hands and you know you enjoy having long nails so take care of them. Give yourself a face mask and use that clothes steamer to steam your face. Make yourself pretty and productive. There thats it. GET IT? Pretty and Productive. Do the pilates DVD you love that will get your spirit happy and make you feel like you've been to the chiropractor. Tonight go to dinner at your friends and watch funny tv or a movie. Don't let your mother stay too long when she comes over because you know she brings you down. Read your new book "Spirit Junkie" and learn to follow its principles instead of playing on facebook so much. DO THESE THINGS and get ready to hit the road running tomorrow. Act like you used to silly. Act as if this is YOUR world and YOU own it, because guess what? You DO own your world, and you have so much to offer to other people. So jump off that edge you're on and JUST DO IT."
There. That's what I'd say to someone like me. I'd also say "Don't forget to commit AT LEAST one random act of kindness today, and do not forget to be nice to yourself."
I think I'll go now, and take my own advice, because I'm really awesome at giving advice, so why don't I ever listen?
I've always been the "count your blessings kind of girl. Trust me I still am. From big things to small , I count my blessing's. Right now I'm glad I have a warm heating pad and that I turned my heavy flannel shit - snuggie style - on my upper torso while my lap stays warm from the laptop and the blankets.
A wise man told me that you can run from your problems but you can't hide. This is true. However I took a 300lb problem and shed that weight and he IS taking care of my second dog I got two years ago and she's with a new family who loves her, so there's a good thing to think of.
So dear wise man, some of my problems did follow me and some I left long behind. I won't get into all of them, but when I look back at every single thing I have over come since I was 18 years old I can't do anything but pat myself on the back and be proud.
There was the time I needed to hurry to a dance for senior year and I wore a strapless dress and I used acrylic nail glue to use 50 coats of adhesive to make my unmentionables "stay." The PAIN from taking them off was horrendous but luck for me I was in cosmetology and had legal strength acetone to remove the glue, with five layers of my skin. I lived though.
Every other day holds challenges. I wont touch on challenges of my career, except if 50 year old people are having a hard time finding work, why am I at 31 struggling so?
Your dog gets kennel cough, bills come up unexpectedly, you get sick and you're down for a week and when you do go back to work you can barely lift a finger. Thank the sweet lord for coffee and not allowing it ever to be illegal, even though its the worlds most widely used drug.
People at banks can't help you. You work soooooooo hard to make a life for yourself and you have everything you need but love, and then spend that hard earned money taking care of everyone else because frankly, you're a good person, and well, you just want to be loved back.
You wake up one day and see that none of that hard work matters. The home, the car, the savings etc. You put your clothes, your kitchenaid mixer, and your dog in the car and you drive away. YES you ARE loved, by your family, best friends, and above all God.
Then there's the fake people. The ones who use you, lie to you, cheat you out of things, and make false promises. This is when you do not get revenge, but you let them know back that you still love them. Maybe you won't let them back into your world, but you don't hate them and you forgive them. Hatred in our hearts only causes us pain. The other person can't feel it every day when a song comes on the radio or you get that letter in the mail that reminds you of them.
Then you do stupid things like I did today. Pay for your groceries and get so excited about your Dr. Pepper, you walk away and leave all your groceries behind, with ten voice's yelling "Ma'am! Ma'am!" Upon asking "Do you need help?" as in with the groceries to the car, you SNAP and say "Not the kind of help YOU can give me!!!!"
I supposed my point is every day, someone puts their dog to sleep peacefully. Someone has not many friends show up for a party. Someone's kid spill something in the car, afterward having a screaming match with their siblings.
I think as human's we can all just get exhausted. This is how I got my name. Chick On the Edge.
Yet I must remind myself of the past things I've overcome that I can't even list to tell you now. Things we "think" we need, we don't. Look around your home at the piles of stuff you're not even using. If its not a book or a blanket its probably not a must have.
Just by all means, never, ever, ever, EVER let someone else ruin your outlook and feelings. If someone feels a certain way or not a certain way then FORGET THEM!! There are people out there who are genuine and you don't need the ones who are dirt bags.
When I say I got my name, its most likely from too much coffee and the jitters and people I only encounter for a little while. Ultimately YOU choose, yes YOU, who you want to be in your life and who you don't. If you don't like a situation, change it as best as you can. There's always the same moon and stars hanging above us as we sleep each night, to sparkle, just like they have for centuries. No one comes unscathed and what we all deal with *does* make us who we are. Even if we wear pajamas and fuzzy slippers to Wal Mart at 10 pm or forget our groceries as we walk out of the store. Lean on the ones that love you, you know who they are, and if you have to question their love, move-the-heck-on. Hug your fur-babies, they ALWAYS love you unconditionally, especially when you feed 'em, and they don't talk back or tell you that you cant have the $72,000 red Corvette because you don't have a job.
If you need a mental break, take one. Or you will break down, remember this too. Oh and don't forget there's nothing wrong with going to sleep at 7pm to awake to a night full of Nick At Nite and frozen pizza.
As you may know, I'm a chick, and this is a chick related post. So if you're a guy and you don't want my insight, just click away now. If you want to know what women are really thinking then you may, (sigh) I suppose keep reading.
I find myself back in my home that I grew up in. I am in my third decade of life, (mind you the beginning of it) and I am here because I have seen a lot of this world, experienced many things, met a lot of people, had a blast, and had one wretched, horrible, ghastly night where I threw a twelve foot lit and decorated Christmas tree.
We won't focus on how I got back home, but this, "A Thousand Miles From Nowhere" as Dwight Yokam sang, is exactly where I longed to be. When I tell you I'm a thousand miles from nowhere, thats exactly what I mean, both figuratively and literally. A thousand miles from my home did I roam. A thousand miles from where I had ANYTHING good going for me.
It took one last fight, where this time the anger in me equaled a nuclear bomb. After more stupidity for a couple of months (of course not on my part) I was officially free. My own car was sold for the good money it earned me, and I had all of my belongings packed into a stupid little (albeit new) car that I'd been making the payments on anyway. I call it stupid and little, which it is, because, well, someone stupid drove it and its little. But it was new and gets good gas mileage. And it got me home. All of my belongings that would fit and my best friend, my dog.
Relationships begin with this fluttering feeling. You like someone. I remember these things as I type from the room I started sleeping in when we moved in when I was six. Ooooh you like a boy. Then you get older and hope the boy looks at you in the hallway, or better yet talks to you. That turns into nights of lazy summer time where you can stay up as late as you want, because you're too young to drive and have a job. You wait for the phone to ring, and thank goodness for call waiting, so you can talk to your best friend while you wait for the boy to call. What some of you never got to experience was life before caller i.d., boy was that fun! Call any guy you wanted and say anything you wanted and no one knew who you were. HeeHee! This was also when we wrote notes and had a friend pass them to a friend to get to you in school. I just thought I was cool because I had a pager in 7th grade. I learned later in life others thought I was cool too. (HA! Take that stupid bully girl who was mean to me and is now miserable in life)
Oh yeah, back to the relationship thing. Fluttering. Will he call? Oh dear lord please let him call! You stay up all night with the phone so close to you, and if you're lucky enough that it does ring, guess what?? You let it ring two and a half, but not three, times before you answer. You sound non-chalant, but finally the two of you start talking and POOF you're in a relationship in a while.
This ebb and flow my dears continues probably until we get married. I can say this because I am still watching some of my never-before-hitched friends go through it.
But marriage. Well for a lot of people you can tell its going to be great. The happy engagement party someone else throws is an excellent sign that people love the fact the two of your have chosen to be together. I didn't have one of those. The wedding, well the whole planning of that should be glorious, yes a little stressful because 200 people are dying to come and you want a fairy tale. I didn't have that either.
I had people tell me things like "What? You got engaged? Oh." and "Congratulations! That is wonderful! I love that tiny diamond chip you're wearing that he held on to for 4 years because you fought so much he wouldn't give it to you!" and the best "OH MY GOD. You're pregnant. You DO NOT have to get married because you're pregnant!!!" (which is 100% true girls)
However I wasn't pregnant. I was stupid.
So here I am, a thousand miles from no where. The tales of my good times I assure you will follow, but I wanted to touch on the whole relationship thing. Now after an abusive marriage relationships (for me at least) have gone more along the lines of "No guys at the gas station I will not give you my number. Yes I am a Cop AND in the Army" (I can't help it if they thought that. I have handcuffs hanging from my rearview mirror that my daddy gave me and my ex's son was in the army, hence the army emblems all over the car) It got me out of a situation of pestering though. Then there's the guys who pop up who are ex boyfriends or wanted to be, "You're the only girl I ever loved!!!" (Cheech did a song on an album about this one) (Yes, the Cheech from Cheech and Chong) Then that ex boyfriend bugs you for months and you push him away and he then finds some poor girl to date and posts pictures so ugly on his facebook you wish you could hurl but you're laughing too hard.
Then come the sweet and true guys.The ones you don't think are left. The ones who have had their own relationships. Maybe have a kid or two. Maybe they're divorced or maybe haven't found "the one" to marry yet. The guys who you grew up with or the guy thats friends with your closest friends so you know they're "safe."
You still wait for the phone to ring girls. You still answer on ring two and half. In this day and age you wait at least two minutes before responding to a text. You still get angry if he hasn't said the right thing, but its more self loathing towards yourself than anger at the guy. But now you read books or watch movies about women who hit adulthood and have never been married and you're happy you don't feel that way. You've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AND PISSED ON IT.
You're happy with a relationship in your life, and may be praying that its the one, the one where you finally found someone to grow old with. But you're also glad you're not being cussed at every day, amongst other things. You may have found the perfect partner but prior to that life wanted you to take a trip and have some experiences, or you wouldn't be who you were meant to be.
I must go now. I got a text message with a tone that is set for one person and its been more than two minutes. ;)
We all know that now as an adult I am super-ultra-fabulous. Let me clue you in on a tid-bit you may not know. Shhhhh..... I used to be a nerd. Well I was a nerd according to other's terms. I made up "Fabulous Friday" in second grade where the night before I'd sleep in curlers, too tight and curled all the wrong ways to create a hideous style that I carried proudly. I wore nothing but dresses until jr. high, which meant at any given moment in P.E. or outside I'd show my underwear. I met my best friend and soul mate this way. She screamed at me that my underwear were showing as I hung upside down on the monkey bars. I screamed back "SO!?!?!?! They're clothes aren't they?!?!?!!?!"
I wore tacky jewlery, sparkly things, purple velvet shoes that I took off during a fire drill so I could stand bare foot in the mud like an idiot. My mother would have murdered me if I ruined my new shoes. Soon as I was allowed I began wearing makeup. Pink blush, blue eyeshadow, red lipstick. Why anyone let me walk around in the ways that I did I will never know. I wanted to be Punky Brewster. I tied colorful socks around my wrists as bracelets, cut my own hair, used a can of Aqua Net a week and this was all before 6th grade even arrived.
It took reading not only teen magazines but adult ones, like Redbook and Cosmo to learn how to "tastefully" dress myself. Oh did I mention I was fat? Oh yeah. Let me tell ya, I was a looker. But when I hit age 11 I got contacts and slowly began to come around. I actually received compliments on my makeup. I lost a little weight. I discovered I had a cute butt and I should wear blue jeans. I became blonde at age 12. That helped my world A LOT.
So this is my entry devoted to anyone who is of ANY age and doesn't feel beautiful. Because with some research, magazine reading, tv watching, professional help, a cosmetology license, I beceome super-ultra-fabulous! And You Can Too. If you need help let me know. I probably will not do your hair and give you hair and makeup lessons in person for free, unless you live somewhere super fabulous and fly me out there. But I can give some advice. I now walk around looking ravishingly gorgeous every day. Not a day goes by without some glitter and bling and I still have my "Fabulous Fridays!"
And I'll end by saying I do have days of not getting dressed, being seen outside in my pajamas, hair a mess, but I know that I'm capable of taking 30 minutes and turning into glittering ME. Oh and don't forget the biggest part is all about your outlook and your attitude.