Funny. I didn't even realize the correlation that would come up with what's on my mind and my favorite book. As I am reading Gone With The Wind I find the story, and it's characters, incredibly deeper, more insightful, and descriptive of the time they were living in, versus the movie.
I have a lot of Scarlett O'Hara's attitude. I have been to the rock bottom of the deep pit. Nothing to show for myself except the great accomplishments from the past. Those accomplishments go on our "record" but sure don't lift you out of the pit. Scarlett found herself with nothing. Happy to find a turnip, and then HAD TO DRINK COFFEE MADE FROM ROOT VEGATABLES!!!!! Good Heavens! Where's the caffeine in THAT?!
At least I do have coffee. Hang on. Getting a cup. I have an addiction. I can not hear, see, think, or breathe coffee and not jump up.
Be right back.
Aahhh. That's better.
So at a time period in my previous life, I was much like Scarlett. We can analyze the part of the young pretty thing, with boys and men fawning, and begging for just a dance, or a hand in marriage later on.
What I'm talking about is the point where I was the strong, steel beam that kept an entire group of family and friends living. What I didn't see until the day I WOKE UP, was that most people were great. Then some people were two faced, liars, who cared about no one. Not even themselves. How could a hateful, spiteful person be happy with who they are. Being miserable doesn't allow much room for you to even truly care about you. You're too busy.
For years I had the big nice house. I spent thousands of dollars a year hosting birthday parties, all holiday dinners, Sunday dinners, you name it.
I did this out of pure love. I do miss it now that I'm away, I loved them and those times. Mostly.
If I didn't use my home, that I told God was HIS, not mine, to gather my loved ones and feed, laugh, cry, shelter, play, pray, party and rest, then who would have done it? I don't know. I don't think so many people would have all been together and had great times. This is what I like to think.
Scarlett O'Hara was taught that land and home were the only things that were worth anything in the entire world. Sure she loved her family, and that Ashley, but after the Civil War, she almost killed herself working to pay taxes and keep her home, Tara, and her land.
People had left her life. People have left my life. For me that came with divorce and moving a thousand miles away. Numerous loved ones are still a huge part of my life. I am far away from most of them, but I pray they know I am theirs, as I always have been. I just don't have the big house and the gatherings any more. I had to flee, like Scarlett left her home to go to a big city.Never relinquishing her deep pride for her home.
I am lucky enough to have two homes. So many people who love me that I cannot honestly count them. Part of that is being a hair stylist and knowing hundreds of people. It's having a large family, a fiancé with a wonderful family, and an enormous group of friends from the time I was barely walking to friends I've made today. I've lived, and I mean really, lived in two places. Now I am where my heart belongs. If I could gather up everyone and do it all over again, I'd work my fingers to the bone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, until they bled, to afford a mansion big enough for everyone to be near.
Scarlett understands me. Home. Not a house. Not a building of stilts and siding where you happen to lay your head.
Home, where I can start my new life, married to my soul mate, raising children, having family and friends over constantly. Laughter and playing and lots of food.
I don't want a house, that's flashy and showy. I want a home that's nice and cozy. Yes a large one would help, with all the guests and the visits. A home that is clean but lived in, where people will drink out of my crystal iced tea glasses and take naps on the couch while everyone else is playing a game. Bedrooms that are escapes, crisp clean bathrooms that feel like a spa. A home that people love to come to, because they feel the love that radiates from my family throughout my home.
I've struggled with missing a home that I can entertain and cherish people in. It's been two years since I've had that. I have a secret to tell you though, a darker side.
The walls of my previous home know the joy that constantly occurred. The bones of my home also know the fear. The anger. The fighting. The things people suspected but never saw. Glimpses of meanness were flecked throughout all of these good times, yet no one knew of the darkest secrets.
Hiding in the closet to cry. Being screamed at for fourteen hours straight. Begging to be beaten to blue and purple instead of being yelled at. Doors of my precious home slammed on my hand, one time to where I worked for two months with nerve damage and couldn't feel anything. Locks on doors easily picked, so there was no escaping. Barricades inside of rooms so lies and hateful words would try to be brainwashed into my mind. My home. Where I was constantly trapped. Phone taken away as to not call for help. Someone much larger in size than I, not allowing me to leave a room, to even walk outside. The soul of my previous home knows everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the terrifying.
I mentioned the day I WOKE UP. Some people, don't wake up. They live a life of terrifying, depressing, anxiety ridden MISERY. Thank God mine only lasted five years.
You can get out. I, like Scarlett, especially after reading so much more about her than a film can project, am stronger than most men. The issue of men versus women is illreverent here. It's your heart, soul and the intelligence in your brain. It's your guts. All of that can turn into your glory.
No one told me, or the pretty young character that anything would be easy. No one said looks would get us far. Life wore us down, shook us around, broke our hearts, showed us death, let peoples true selves be known, and because of all of the good times we gained the incredible strength that some people don't know they are capable of having in them.
We get through current stages in life. Next you're in a new world. If someone would have told me five years ago, or even six months ago, the path I'm on I'd have called them a fool.
Me. A version of a modern day fictional, yet so real, Scarlett O'Hara is on a new journey. Rock bottom is hard. You're starting over. You thought your life had a plan, because you made a plan. Guess what? Life changes plans.
Now I feel as I've been pulled out of a rock bottom well, maybe glamorously in a bucket. I do know my prince charming was waiting there. I will never give any person total credit for whom I have become. Like Scarlett I have indeed worked, strived, prayed, screamed, "lied, cheated and stolen" to get where I am. You must know that it just so happens that I found a partner to go on this next journey with. Someone I know the heavens sent, so I can love and give him my all. He just gave me his "all" before I even wanted to think I was ready. This man has protected, loved, defended, laughed at every joke, and never stops lifting me up.
Here I am, far from that home I mentioned. About to be married, family and friends abound. I'm in absolute true, heartfelt, spiritual love. All of these things I need. I love them. What's missing right now is a home.
"Hey God? Just like before, I promise to you, if you give me a home it will be all yours. Just like before, I will use it daily for whatever you show me to."